I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize