Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
