I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
