I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
