it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
