you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
