dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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