I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the condom got lost in my hair
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
