: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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