Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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