Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
