I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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