dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
