And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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