saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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