New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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