the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
