Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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