Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
