He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
