I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
