i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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