i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
