He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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