made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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