You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
