Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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