Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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