If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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