i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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