Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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