So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
