so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
