Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
