My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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