Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize