I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just pynch a tree in the face
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
