Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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