Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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