genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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