there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
