wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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