tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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