The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
