I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
