Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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