I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
