"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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