What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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