i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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