I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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