My sheets look like a crime scene.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
