I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
