I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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