Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
