one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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