When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
