Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He did a backflip because drugs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
