I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize