I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
