By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well I just put wine in my tea
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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