My nipple is on Facebook.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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