dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
