I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
