hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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