The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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