one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
