Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
