I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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