weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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